My life without you







My life without you




Yuko Yagasaki




突然身に降りかかった病
人一倍元気だった私が
突然がんの告知を受けた
女30才 未婚 子宮摘出
これからの人生…
あなたならどうしますか?

It came as a shock.
I was told I had cervical cancer.
I was 30 years old and single, and about to lose my womb.
I was much healthier and stronger than most other girls.
How could this be happening to you?




009

忘れもしない2003年10月10日 最後まで残された病院待合室 ガンの告知を受けた 30年間で一番の激震な日だった ガンを告知された患者がよく言うように 告知を受けた瞬間、私も他人事のように冷静だった 「仕事やめた方がいいですよね?」「入院した方がいいですか?」突然の告知に唖然としながら聞いてみる「子宮、多分卵巣も全摘、抗がん剤も必要でしょう」医師の答えは対照的だった 病院を出たとともに涙が止まらなかった。これって現実?パニックになる。手には確かに病理の結果、私の名前。その日は家には帰れなかった。I will never forget that day of October 10th 2003,the day I was told I had cancer.I was the last patient left in the hospital waiting room.Maybe the doctor needed time to think about how he would break the news to me because I was so young.It was the darkest day of my life.When the doctor told me, I stayed calm and accepted the unimaginable reality of it.Many cancer patients say that the moment they're told they have cancer they stay calm,as if they cannot believe this is happening to them. It can only happen to others.What should I do? Should I quit my job? Will I have to spend time in the hospital? In desperation, I asked stupid questions.What? Did you say you have to remove everything? My womb, ovaries, and lymph nodes?I might even need chemotherapy.Doctor answered with negative answer.Those answers were very opposite with my questions. They were all negative at all.Upon leaving the hospital, I couldn't stop crying.Was this really happening to me? Or was it just a bad dream?But there, on the medical certificate, was my name. I couldn't bear to go home that night.



009



何度も何度も目を覚ます
その夜はほとんど眠れなかった
「ガン」という現実より
「子供が産めない」
「私死んじゃうの?」
ということが頭を回っていた

I kept tossing and turning.
I couldn't sleep at all.
My head was spinning with horror.
Will I never be able to have a baby?
Am I going to die?
These thoughts invaded my mind, more than the cancer was invading my body.
It was the longest night of my life.




008



親への告知 それが一番辛かった
病院通いをしていることも知らなかっただけに
3日間言えなかった
でも親はやはり親だ
すぐ戦う体制に入ってくれた

How would I tell my parents? I couldn't bear to break the news to them. They didn't know that I'd been to the hospital many times in the past few weeks. It took me 3 days before I could muster the courage to tell them. But my parents did what parents should do best: love their child. As soon as I told them, their shock immediately turned to positive determination. I would fight this cancer and they would support me all the way. And it was the day of the local festival my father looked forward to be all year.





009


告知から4日後の新聞の見開き一面
映画「死ぬまでにしたい10のこと」の広告
でかでかと、私に語りかけていた。
こんなにタイミングよくてびっくりなのはなかったな~
リアルすぎてふざけて書けなかった。

Four days after I found out I had cancer,
I came upon a large ad in the newspaper for a movie called "My Life without Me"
about a cancer patient who survived her ordeal.
The ad called on people to write down and submit 10 things they'd want to do if they found out they had cancer and could die.
I couldn't get myself to write anything. The reality of my condition was too
arresting. I could only think that cancer equaled death.
It was the most frightening time of my life.




009



がんはがん
あることに変わりはない
絶望感、虚脱感
がんと言われた人にしかわからない
無な気持ち

Cancer is cancer.
And nothing, big or small, can change the fact that I have it.
Dismay. A sinking feeling. Hopelessness.
No healthy person can imagine what it's like to have cancer.
Only a cancer patient knows that.
My mind is so unsettled, churning like a typhoon.




009






人生は紆余曲折


Life is twists and turn…




009



死に直面しながら前に歩き出す
まず病院探し
どの病院にいっても同じことを言われる
セカンドオピニオンも同様
子宮、卵巣摘出、抗がん剤、早めの手術
病巣は肉眼で見えるとの事

Like setting off to cross the desert on foot
facing almost certain death,
I begin my search for second opinions, going from for doctor to doctor, from hospital to hospital.
With each consultation, I get the same answers.
Hysterectomy, oophorectomy, chemotherapy, ASAP.
The doctors could see the cancer with their naked eye.




009


良い病院、先生をみつけ1回目手術
円錐除去手術
良かったらこれで終わり
子宮は残せる
ただただ祈るのみ

でもそれは先生の言うとおり
そんな簡単なものではなかった

I settled on a doctor and hospital I felt I could trust.
The first step would be an operation to remove my little part of cervix.
The doctor said if the cancer had not spread, I could keep my womb and would not need another operation.
I prayed.
But my doctor, though wanting to be positive, was cautious and said it would not be an easy call.




009


やはり子宮温存はむずかしいとの事
やっぱりかと思う
待つ時間がこんなにも長いと思わなかった
ただ入院、手術を待つ
そんな中迎えた
31's birthday
My self portrait

My doctor was right. It wasn't an easy call.
Cancer cells could have spread to my womb. It would have to come out.
I have to remove my womb.

Most cancer patients will tell you that waiting for the operation feels like forever.
Nothing to do but wait… and think.
Here, I turned 31 years old.
My birthday came… and went.





009


夜のシャワー

声を殺すように嗚咽する声
シャワーの下で消した涙を 私は忘れない。
表面的には強気に振舞っていても
夜になるととめどなくあふりかえる涙
人には知られたくないこともたくさんある。
人前では絶対泣けない自分がそこにはいた。

Nightly Shower
A moaning voice
I will always remember the sound of the shower washing my tears away.
The sound of the rushing water deadens my moans.
To confront the unforgiving reality, I put on a stoic face.
But behind the mask my tears flow nightly.
There is something I want to hide from the world.
Others should never see my tears.




009




2004年元旦 Happy New Year

それでも年は明けた
本厄の厄年だし大変な年になりそうだが
今年もいい年でありますように

New year 2004

Then, New Years came…and went.
My astrological chart says 2004 is my critical year,
the most important year of my life.
But I was hoping for a good year, the best year of my life.




009





あと何日子宮と共に居られるのか?
あと何日で手術か?
複雑な重い思いのお正月

How many more days do I have left living with my womb?
How many more days before my operation?
The New Year holiday went by as slowly as a lingering storm.




009


昔からよく大きいサイズの服を買っていた
少し値段の高かった服は
妊婦になった時着られるって
言い訳つけて買っていたりして
いつか妊婦になれるだろうという希望と共に

妊婦になれなくなった今
すべて消えていった夢

Maternity clothes.

I always buy oversize clothes.
Though they're more expensive, my excuse is that I won't have to buy a new wardrobe if ever I got pregnant.
But getting pregnant is not an option anymore.
That dream has died.





009



入院前々日 夢を見た
それは本当の私の望みだったのかもしれない
諦めたと言っていた心の奥底に眠っていた
諦められない思い
私は夢の中で子供を産んで育てていた
名前もちゃんとついていた
生(しょう) 生きる、いのち、人生…
いろんな意味の生という名前だった
やはり子供が欲しかったな
やっぱり妊娠してみたかったな

Syo-live-
Two days before I was hospitalized, I had a strange dream.Or was it a glimmer of hope hidden deep in the depths of my heart. I couldn't give it up in my mind.
I dreamt I gave birth to a baby child.
It was a boy and I had named him Sho, meaning "life, live" in English. Honestly I wanted to have a baby.
How real was this figment of my imagination?





009


このころの私は正気ではなかった
前の彼氏にメールしては
もし今私と付き合っていたら
子供作らせてくれた? と聞いたり…

わたしには時間がなかった
方法がなかった

でも最後まで妊娠という夢を消したくなかった

I was not myself at the time.
In a moment of folly, I asked my ex boyfriend, "if we were still together, would you have a baby with me?"
But time was running out and the dilemma was obvious.
Not being able to bear a child is not easy to accept for a woman.




009


昔からものを作る事が好きだった
そんな私にある人がこう言ったことがある

If you are an artist or if you like to make something,
Making a child is the most creative thing than any other things.
子供が産めないという現実になって
その言葉を思い出して泣いた
彼女の言った言葉が何度も心に響いた

I have a creative mind.
Someone I truly respect once told me that if I really wanted to be creative that I should make a child. It would be the most creative thing I could ever do.

Her words echoed in my mind. Faced with my impending reality, I cried.
The words she said echord in my mind.




009


もしちゃんとした彼がいたら
人生の賭け、命の賭けで子供をつくるのにかけていたと思う。
今までギャンブル的人生を送ってきた私が
初めて奥手になった
命の賭けはできなかった
でも相手がいたら
絶対していたと思う。

If there was someone who I could depend on,
putting everything on the line and risking it all for a mere chance to conceive would not have been an issue.
Despite living a life of chance, the wager was of too extreme. I faltered...
"All in" was not an option.
If that "someone" was there for me... the decision would have been made in a heartbeat.




009



ふたつの道 どちらを選ぶ?

There are two ways, whether I keep my womb with cancer or lose my womb.
It is a gamble of my life.
Which way would you choose if you were me?

I was faced with a difficult choice to make.
Either I kept my womb giving me a chance to have a baby one day but risk the spread of cancer and loose that chance and my life, or save my life but loose my womb and the chance to ever have a child. It is the greatest gamble of my life so far.
How would you choose if you were me?






009

最後のかけ
手術2,3日前 先生に話しに行く
やっぱり子宮を残せるかどうか
女だもん 誰だって
結婚もしてないし、赤ちゃんも産んでない
もう一度聞いてみようと思った

ナースセンターで涙した
でも自分の命が優先だった
そして最後にあきらめた

A couple of days before the operation, I asked my surgeon what were the chances of keeping my womb.
This was my last chance to weight the odds.
Because I am 31years old woman who don't get marriage and no baby yet. I still have a life ahead of me. I could still find a husband and raise a family. For one last time, I asked the doctor for her counsel.
In the examination room full of nurses and doctors, I cried in despair.Someone passed me a tissue box.I had to save my life… above all. And I gave in.




008



消灯のあと

カーテンの向こうで
すすり泣く人の声
そしてそんな自分も同じ思い
枕に落とす涙の音を知った夜

After lights-out

Hidden behind a curtain.
Someone is sobbing.
I know. I would hide too.
At night,only the silent sound of my tears falling from my eyes.




009


ついに決めた
下剤を飲み、剃髪も終わる。最後のお風呂
まるで死刑を受ける前夜のよう
それでも私は写真を撮り続けた
手術を受ける自分を
証明するために

My mind was finally set.
The clouds in my head dissipated.
I bathed and shaved, the final preparations for the operation.
I felt like I was on death row, the last moments before the end.
Nonetheless, I kept taking pictures.
At least this would prove to myself or to anyone later that this was my reality.




009

ホントのキモチ
ホントのスガタ
ホントのココロ
ホントのワタシ

ワタシの心はemptyだった。
こんなに悲しい写真もないなと思う
この写真を見たとき、切なさ、悲しさ、すべてが顔に出ている
なにも隠していないすべての気持ちが出ている

何人の人がこの一人になれる最後の時間に何を思うのだろう?

Feelings… real. Situation… real.
Thoughts… real. Me… real.
Mind… empty.
I took one last picture of myself… whole.
It was the saddest picture of me, but it was also the best picture me. All of me. Just as I am. Nothing to hide. Nothing to be ashamed of. There is pain, sadness, emptiness. All that ever matters is in this picture. Who was this "me" who took this picture? What wells up into the mind when you're in the final hour?





009

風呂上り一気に下剤2L
このころからナーバスになる
次に食ができるのはいつのことか
お見舞いにもらった地球儀を眺めながら
次の旅を思う

「明日は矢ヶ崎さんの2回目の誕生日よ」
主治医の先生に宥められる
私は生まれ変わるんだ

After my bath, I drank the two liters of laxative I was given.
I'm feeling nervous.
When will I have my next meal?
I imagine my next trip, looking at a small globe of the world I was given as a get-well gift.
I love to travel. I try to be positive. Look ahead, Look ahead.

Tomorrow will be your second birthday.
My doctor does her best to cheer me up.
Tomorrow, I will be reborn.





009

希望の光

手術の日の朝の光
私にとってそれは希望だったの光だった
柔らかな朝日は私の心を癒してくれた
そう信じた
2004. 1.20朝 生まれ変わる朝
私の2回目の誕生日

A ray of hope

Morning light from my window the day of my surgery.
It is a beautiful reflection.
It brings a glimmer of hope.
The sunlight greets me and cheers me up.
It's soft and tender rays sooth my anxiety giving me strength to face the last day of my life as I have known it.
It reassures me. It gives me faith.
It was the 20th of January, the day I will be reborn.
My 2nd birthday.




手術の日の朝

まな板の上の鯉 手術直前、意外と余裕そうな顔 ストレッチャーに寝かされる 肩に筋肉注射、うとうとが始まる 朦朧とした意識の中 なんとも言えない気持ち ごめんね。ありがとう。がんばってくるよ。 そんなのより心の奥はもっと複雑な心境で親に何も言えない。泣きたいけど泣けない。ただここは凛として親に心配かけないようにすること。でもそれすらも考えられない時間 一刻と時は過ぎる 手術室に呼ばれるのが怖い 私の子宮といられるのもあと少し 今までの人生で1番酷な時間だった。Moments before I was taken to the operating theatre, I was lying on a skinny stretcher.I seemed to be perfectly relaxed.The nurse administered a tranquilizer by intravenous injection. Immediately, I felt groggy. In this semi-slumber state, I felt confused."I'm sorry..Thank you! I'll do my best!"Those are the words I wanted to tell my parents who'd been by my side throughout this ordeal.I was sorry for having to loose my womb after they'd given me a healthy body from the day I was born.I was emotionally troubled. I was loosing control.Time stops momentarily as I fell into the abyss of my empty soul.I didn't want to hear my named called when my turn came to be taken to the operating room.Only moments left before I'm not whole anymore.





手術前


何も言えない

何か言ったら泣き出しちゃう
緊張の糸がプツンと切れちゃう
だから私は何も言えなかった
ただ時間が経つのを待つしかなかった

I'm speechless.

If I tried to utter a single word, nothing but tears would come out.
Something would break.
I was barely holding on to reality… only by a thread. Not a word.
Time stood still. I waited no more.





何もいえない





ワタシ ユメノナカ ナニ ユメミル

Deep deep sleep. Was I dead? Was I reborn? Was I dreaming? I had no conscience.





夢を見てる手術直後

どこかから、遠いどこかから 呼ばれてる気がした
少しずつ麻酔がとけて意識が朦朧とする中 父と母が見えた
終わったんだ
身体はうんともすんとも言わない
動けない状態
38~39度台の熱に悩まされながら寝た
体中が重かった
いつ朝がくるんだろう
10分刻みに目が覚めて
病院特有の機械音を聞きながら
夜明けがくるのを待っていた。

Somewhere, Everywhere
From somewhere, far away, I could hear a voice calling my name. I was waking up from the anesthesia There were my father and mother. Slowly I realized it was all over. I couldn't move. Not one bit. I fell in and out of sleep with a 39-dgree temperature, a reaction to the surgery. My body felt heavy. Would it be morning soon? I kept waking up every 10 minutes. I could hear the humming and beeping of the monitors wired to my body. Was morning ever going to come?





手術前

病院にいるということ
起きること
食べること
寝ること
病院ではする行動ひとつひとつが仕事
歯を磨くこと
髪を洗うこと
日常の些細な事、気にも留めない事が
重要な仕事
そして気分良く一日を終えられることが
一番の仕事かもしれない

To get up.
To eat.
To sleep.
Any actions in hospital are our big duties.
To brush my teeth
To comb my hair
Little things we do without a thought suddenly were major chores.
But the toughest thing to do was to end the day without incident with a smile.





夢を見てる手術直後



手術翌日から歩かされる
異常のような、拷問のような
動けないこのころの写真は
この角度ばかり

この前までスタスタ歩いていた
ナースセンターまでの廊下も
果てしない先に見える

起き上がるだけでも、おなかの傷が痛かった

The doctor had me walking a little the day after the surgery.
It was crazy torture.

Only a couple of days ago, the walk from my room to the nurses' station took only a few seconds. Now, it takes forever.

Simply standing up was just painful.




夢を見てる手術直後



術後5日目
友達がお見舞いにくる
はしゃいで調子に乗った後
貧血状態に
マンガのように青ざめる まるで縦線が入るように
サーと血の気が引くのを感じた日

Five days after my surgery, friends came to visit and cheered me up.
I was excited to see them and sprung back to life.
Then, I was struck with anemia.
I looked as pale as a character in a comic strip.




夢を見てる手術直後




2 bullets from my belly
リンパ液を抜くために
お腹から2本のドレインを出している サイボーグな私
身体にぶらさげて歩いた日々

Two bullet holes in my belly.
They removed lymph nodes during the operation.
Draining tubes were installed for the excess lymph.
I looked like a cyborg.
For days, I walked around with these tubes sticking out of me.




計尿
自尿が出ず毎日計尿する日々 膀胱はパンパンで痛いほど出したいのに 出ない現実を突きつけられる
1日5回導尿してもらう
深夜痛くて目が覚めトイレに行く 一滴も出なかったときは泣けてくる
お腹を押したり、力んだり 前とは違った感覚をつかみ、出せるようになった 手術後の身体の違いを突きつけられたひとつ

Measuring my pee.
The surgery has damaged nerves that connected my womb and bladder.I was sore. It's common I'm told, after such an operation.It hurt to pee. Terribly. But I had to measure my urine levels daily. My bladder was swollen. I wanted to pee to relieve the pressure, but I couldn't on my own.The nurses had to insert a urethral catheter five times a day.I'd wake up in the middle of night, wanting to pee but not being able to. Not even a drop. It was so painful.Then I figured out how to pee by pushing on my belly with my hands.I was sad and disappointed at how my body had changed since the surgery.This was only one of many ways in which my body has changed.








Dear とげぬき地蔵様、
病気になると
毎日毎日神頼み
この世のすべての神を頼りたくなる

Dear god, I pray.

When we're sick, we pray to god every day.
We need god.
We're weak. We want to depend on all gods in any religions on Earth.







なんだかすごく寂しかったころ
書いては自分に言い聞かせていた時期
このころの私の心は
低気圧と高気圧が
行ったりきたりだった。
FIGHT!!

The fight.
I was sad and lonely.
I wrote these words down and repeated them to myself over and over again.
I felt uprooted,ungrounded… an emotional rollercoaster.







What if…

What if I was pregnant?
I'd want to take nude photos of my pregnant self, as I did of friends of mine when they were pregnant.
I'd take a photo of me with my baby and my mother, all of us nude.

If もし

もし私が妊娠して子供ができたら
友達の妊婦ヌードを撮っていたように
自分のも撮りたかった

生まれた子と私と私の母で
ヌード家系図も撮りたかったな




はろぅmy womb

その臓器は少しグロテスクだけど、きれいだった
この中にがんがいるの?
まるでグレープフルーツを割ったよう

そんなの見るなんてっと思うかもしれないが、
私は自分の子宮が見たかった
あまり使ってあげれなかった子宮ちゃん
ずっと一緒だった私の体の一部
子宮摘出した人だけの特権
普通の人は見れないもの

Hello, My Womb
It looked at once grotesque and beautiful.
It looked more like a split grapefruit.
But where was the cancer, I wondered as I stared at it?
Some think it's strange to want to see one's diseased womb. But it was my decision. Unfortunately, it could not be of any use to me anymore.
But she had been with me faithfully for 30 years.
Now, I feel different from everyone else.










しゃぼん玉ってなにかを思わせる
先が見えず、毎日フワフワ
この頃の私のようだった





夢を見てる手術直後


心の音

屋上で患者さんが弾いてる
ピアノを聞いた
間違いだらけのピアノだったが、
その美しい、やわらかい音に
涙がとまらなかった
それは透き通る音だった

My Crying Heart

Up on the hospital roof
I heard someone playing the piano
The playing wasn't so good… lots of mistakes
But it was a very beautiful and soft sound
I started crying
The light and tender sound echoed in my heart




Inochi

屋上で何度も何度も
飛ばしてみた
まだ飛べないInochi

今はだめでも きっと大丈夫
がんばる元気をもって
そしてまたいつか元気になって
飛ぼうよ
また飛べる日を信じて

Inochi

On the rooftop, I flied my tiny little kite again and again
Like a bird held back by a string
It's too early to say, but I know everything will be all right. Try to stay positive. I tell myself.
Just wait a while and all this will pass
The string will disappear and like the bird
I'll fly free
Believe it. That day is coming.








退院前日の夕日

そびえたつ煙突 1つ
まっすぐにまっすぐに
私の道も進んでいけるかな。

At sunset the day before I leave the hospital.
A tall smoke stack rises high into the sky.
What will happen to me from tomorrow?
The chimney reminds me that from tomorrow,
I'll be stepping back down into the world.







Out of prison!

退院した日
旅好きの私は
どこかからの旅から
戻ってきたようだった
それは今まで経験したことのない旅だった

Out of prison.
The day I left the hospital, I felt like I was returning from a long trip to nowhere.
But I did travel… many leagues… in my mind and soul.
It was a trip I have ever experienced in my life.









とうみんちゅう
しばし
やすみのとき

Hibernation
For a while
A time to rest










待ちに

Spring









待った

has









春が

come









来た

!!





彼と別れた
ずっとずっと頼りにしていた、支えだった
今回、彼がいてくれてよかったと思う
彼なしでは乗り越えられなかったと思う
ありがとう
これからはひとり
がんばっていかなくっちゃ

We went our separate ways
Because of the abundance of support he offered, I was always able to confide in him.
Without him, the grass would never have never appeared green again.
I'm grateful that we were able endure it till the end.

Thank you.
Living in solitude is no longer tough.

I'll be able to find the light at the end of the tunnel.









春、桜のころ
半年ぶりにヒールを履いた
慣れない靴に
筋肉痛がなんだか嬉しかった
春なんだ

It's cherry blossom season.
I wore high-healed shoes for the first time in half a year.
I was happy to feel my muscles aching from being unaccustomed to the shoes.
I had longed so much for this spring.







Lymph liquid

渦巻くリンパの液
ひりひり、ぴりぴり
ところどころに発生する
今までなかった痛み
まるで日焼け後の皮膚のよう
これからずっと共にする(友にする)
  だからあまり苦しませないでね

Lymphatic oceans.

Lymph waters swished and swirled in my feet.
My skin tingled and stung,
like after a bad sunburn.
Edema, we have to learn to be friends from now on.
We're going to be together for a long time.





来年の桜は見れないかもしれない
こういう喩えがよくあるけれども
病人にとって
桜は特別な季節

屋上でよく話した
肺がんのおじさんも
見てるかな?
このさくら・・・

You might not get to see the cherry blossoms next year.
It is said you come alive in the spring.
Spring is a special season.

A man with lung cancer I often spoke with up on the roof said he might not live to see the cherry blossoms in the spring.
I told him that they'd be even more beautiful seen from wherever he would be.







Tragedy can be a gift sometimes

いろんな自分がいた
いろんな思いをした
いろんな人に出会った
それでも今私は生きている
生を感じている

Tragedy can sometimes be a blessing in disguise.
I was discovering a different side of myself.
I experienced a lot of emotion during this trial.
I met a lot of interesting, nice people too.
After all, I'm still alive.
I feel that I am still alive.






My life without you.

私の心はまだ不安定
だってあなたをなくしたから
もっとずっと一緒に居たかったけれど…
それでもやっぱり私は生きていかなきゃならない
もっともっと強くならなきゃ
そういうプレッシャーに押されながら
生きている

My mind is fickle.
Since I lost you.
I wanted to be with you a little longer, but I had no choice.
I have to go on without you.
Sometimes, life is unforgiving.
But I want to believe l can be happy even without you.















FIN